Well things have been going  steady around here, I have been feeling good and haven't really had the want to harm myself ( which is great!). I went and finalized some things for school today so I should be all set for the 21st to start. I am really  nervous about going back, I am soo afraid that I won't be able to do it. And this being my last chance to do well enough to keep my finacial aid has got me even more worried. I mean I know I have it in me to do it and pass with good grades, but I can't help but think what if I fall back into dark spot. I know, I know , I need to think positive and have faith in myself and in god that things will be alright. And I have to say one thing for sure is I have been doing alot of praying lately, and I really hope that I can keep up with bright spots in my life!

LOL, I have been on mindsay for 3 hours and didn't even realize it!

I wonder if there is a group for mindsay addicts?

you are a classic, OLD ENGLISH. many a gangtsa have
written lyrics about you : Eazy E, Dr.Dre,
Snoop Dogg. dont forget to tip it one time for
all your dead homies

what malt liquor are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

The funny thing about me getting Old E is because I use to drink a ton of it in high school because it was cheap and got you messed up!!! lol

Well I have been feeling kinda lost and inferior lately; I just can’t help but look around me at everyone and feel that my IQ is just not up there with rest of ya!

I mean don't get me wrong I know that I am not dumb, but I just can't get over the feeling of not being quite as intellectual.

Who knows maybe I was born to ask "Do you want fries with that?" 

A  cocoon of warmth I wake in, only to arise to a cold bitter surrounding.

 I get in the shower to wash away the feelings of being lost, but all that covers me is more coldness and despair.

I reach for the towel in hopes of another feeling of blissful warmth and I find the harsh reality of my life.

Ok  I just walked in the door and I cant help be in a really bad mood!

I am so not doing well at this moment

why do I feel like I give and give and give and give and I never get the comforting that I need?

Do people people not see that you need to maybe be held, asked whats wrong, or even a look of concern would be nice! As I sit her with tears staining my cheeks I dont know what to do! I am so frustated and there is nothing I can do................

Ok, I am feelin really crappy today! I spent most of the day puking and being dizzy which I think is from puking non-stop. But on top of that I am feelin really kinda sad because the guy Brian that I really liked and really thought he liked me have not really been speaking the last few days. I called and talk to him for a few minutes last night but he was on his way to bowling and I didnt want to tie him up, so I let him go he was like I will call you after I get done bowling. Yeah well he never called and before I called him last night we hadnt spoken for a few days which is kinda odd since for the last month or so we have at least talked on the phone once a day. I am starting to think I made him mad with a comment I said to him about a week ago, He and I were talking over at his house and he is always teasing me about everything. But he said some kind of sexual remark (harmless, but promising more then he is willing to give) normally I would just laugh them off and move on but as of the last week and a half I have been really frustrated with the situation between us because its like he wants more then friends but thats all he will let happen and when I try and maybe be a little cuddly he totally clams up. So anyways I was talking with him and he said something and I was in a really bad mood, and feelin crappy about how things were going with us. So I turn and look at him and say "Brian I really could give a shit, I am tired of playing this game." His whole thing is that he says he thinks I deserve more from a guy then him expecting to get laid, Well I said that I agreed but I also should have added to that is that sex is not the issue that I just want a little cuddling  or hell even a hug goodnight would be great. I dont know maybe I am being completely blind and am not seeing that he just wants to be friends. I just have always fallowed my feelings and most of the time my gut feelings are right about this kind of stuff! But now that he has not been calling or anything like that, I am really afraid I pissed him off or scared him away!  Well I figure that if he doesnt call me tonight then I will know for sure something is wrong and I will just have to come out and ask if I made him mad or if I am being a flake?

I really am hoping that its just me being a flake!

My day started out really shity, and then seemed to go down hill from that!

I wake up on time take a shower feel actually not to bad except wishing that I am not so freaking ugly!

But anyways, I get in my car to go to school I start the engine pull out in the street and start to drive away when I realize that something feels funny with my car. Then at the moment it hits me I have a flat freakin tire! So by this time I cant just pull back in my parking spot I have to go all the way around the block ( as I pray it doesnt mess the rim up). So now I am pissed because I know that I am going to be really late and I my Teacher gets really angry at people that are late, I cant say I blame him I dont like it either!  Well that was just the beginning, I dont want to talk about the rest it just makes me want to scream!

I am really sick of coming home to a completely empty house! I think I need to get a pet of some kind. I am thinking I will get a rat, they are some what easy to take care of and they are some what cuddly!

Anyone got any Ideas on what kind of pet I should get?

Ok, I keep looking around at different Blogs and they all have these really cool personalized backgrounds and I really want one!!! But do I know how to make one?   HELL NO!

LOL, I am soo pathetic!

Ok I just walked into my house and I went straight to the computer! How pathetic is that.......

I so cant believe that I am letting this whole thing with Brian bring me down!

Its all I have been able to think about all day, I so dont want this right now in my life so why am

I feeling this way towards him. I mean yeah I wanted a boyfriend or someone that I could have fun with and maybe a little more. But I am honestly having more feelings than I would like to be having at this point!

Well I am sitting here waiting for the time to go to my last class for the day. And I have to say as I sit and think about all the stuff that has been going through my mind about Brian, and feeling like crap because I have been dumped on by two guys in the last 2 months and I have come to a conclusion!

Yahoo, its about time right! lol anyways I have decided that I want to keep my friendship with Brian and for me to do that I am just going to have to deal with the fact that he doesnt look at me in that way and never will. And you know what I think I am fine with that. When I found out he was all hot over this other girl and was not going to give me the time a day, I decided that I needed to distance my self from him and hope that the distance would help me let go. Well The Damn fool has been calling me 2 and 3 times a day! I can only ignore him for soo long so I had to talk to him. So yet again I have been hangin out with him every night now since saturday! And every night I have been going home in tears because I cant help but be upset thinking that I am just a FRIEND! Ok here is the but...... Last night I went over after going to Gym. I walk in his door and he hands me this note that he has writen for this girl and he wants me to read to make sure it doesnt sound to goofy. So I read it and as I am reading it I couldnt help but wish this note was for me, but knew it wasnt so I finished it and handed it back and told him that it was a really good one and that if she didnt like it she was nuts. And then we were off to go give her the note, I was not at all looking forward to being in the truck watching him look at her with those gorgouse eyes of his! and on top of that give her the letter that I so wanted for myself! well anyways we went and thank god she wasnt there, but he says that he wants me to be there when he gives it to her! Argh.... So anyways we go back to his place and play dice and have a pretty fun evening, we also made plans for us to go see a movie on saturday and then go back to his place and drink. LOL, ok but the whole point of me telling that whole mess is last night I went home and was ok, I didnt cry, and I didnt feel horrible. I mean I felt bummed out but thats ok, I can handle that!

Well I am sitting here being bored waiting for my second and last class of the day! I actually have nothing to do tonight, I can’t believe it. I am not sure to feel happy or completely sad. I mean not that I am some diva girl here that has plans on every weekend or night! It just seems like for the last few weeks I have had no at home time, and that I have had to rush around. And in result I have totally neglected to keep my apt. up to cleaning standards. So that’s what I think I will do tonight, I will go rent a movie and say home and clean up my apt.!

Ok, my tummy is growling so I think am going to go grab a bite to eat...........

Hope ya'all have a good day!

Well for all that really care, here is a really bad picture of my new tattoo on my avatar. I never realized how ugly my neck was till I saw this picture!!

The large star is lime green center and baby blue out side the smaller stars are those colors every other star. And the tail of the star is black.

Well it's voting day! I hope all that you out there that can vote will!

Ok enough of that, today was a grey and icky day out and I skipped my classes. I just have this personal cloud over my head, I cant help but feel second best lately, I cant help this feeling of total frustration about my money situation and I really cant get over that I just cant seem to move on in my life. I have spent a good portion of the day sleeping, but the other portion praying to god for some kind of answer.

I am sitting here at the college and I know I have about a ton of things to do, but all I can do is think that I want to crawl right back in bed and hide from the world. I have been sitting here thinking if I can skip my next class or if I do will that really screw me over...... Most likely it will screw me, so I guess I am going to class.

I have been feeling like shit lately, I feel as thought I am so not worth the air I breath. I just want to fucking crawl in a hole and die! Oh yeah and also since I have been on this wonderful fucking path of feeling like crap I have started cutting again. I know its wrong and I shouldnt do it but at the same time I just cant seem to stop.

I would normally ask for gods help but I am really starting to wonder if I am even worthy enough of his help.

Well I am sitting here waiting to head off to class, and I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin. I have so much built up energy but at the same time I feel tired.  What the fuck is wrong with me????

Can anyone tell me who sings that song?

Anyways, things are just fucking peachy for me I am completely hurt by a man that is my best friend and that I care about very much. He is completely fucking with my heart and I dont know what to do about it. I mean we spend all of our extra time together and we have a sexual relationship as well but we are just "friends" And I am fine with that but the fact is he get jealous when ever I spend any time with another man or he see's me flirting with another guy. Like last night my parents had a game night and he was invited and so was one of my fathers friends, Eddie who is 27 and very good looking. He and I have always flirted back an forth for the last 3 years and I would love to make more of it but he is really shy and I am not sure if we are each others type. But anyways My good friend an was here when Brian got here and they were kinda flirting back and forth which is normal for both of them because they are both big flirts. Well later when we were in the middle of the game Eddie and I were kinda talking and giggling and Brian reaches over and grabs my leg to get my attention then tells me that my friend Ann put her number on his phone when she was playing with the ring tones. Well of course I was pissed because this girl knows how I feel about this man and she also knew that I was kinda pissed that they kept flirting so for me to hear that shit really pissed me off! So last night I tried calling Ann to see what the hell was up and why she would do that, She said she had no idea what I was talking about that he looked and her phone and found her number and added her number.........

I will finish this story in a little while I need to run and do somethings before its to late

These words just came out of my little brothers mouth. You gotta love family that tries to make you feel better when you are sicker then shit!

On that note, I sit at my parents with a ton of family arguing, laughing and having just a gay old time while I try to block the noise out due to a splitting headache. I know I know Its Christmas I should be grateful that I have all my family and loved ones around. Well that’s not the case all I can do is think how much I would love to be sleeping right now and on top of that I am missing the hell out of Brian and there is no reason I should due to the fact that I am sure he doesn't miss me.

I so wish I could just snap out of this damn mood I have fallen into lately. I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up, I have taken up the whole being angry at my self thing and I know not all what I am feeling and going through is all my fault, but I just wish I wouldn’t be so fucking stupid and keep falling for things that will never happen. At the moment its taking all that I have in myself not to go visit the razor blade that I keep hidden away in my medicine cabinet. I just need something to take my mind off everything and am feeling that maybe a little physical pain is in order to bring me back. I feel like screaming to the top of my lung right now, but all I can do is sit here and cry, pray to god that there is something better then this shit I live in right now. Because I don’t know if I can take much more of this, the days just seem to keep getting harder and harder.

All I can say right now is Please God help me, please show me some sign that I am here on this earth to be much more then this.

am I worthy of love?

I would like to ask the people of mindsay if I am worthy of love?

Because as this moment I really wonder if I really am!

Well I just got out of my morning class and realized that the sun is shining and I am in a good mood! Isn't it funny how one day makes you feel as if your whole world is coming down around you and then the next it's sunny out and you cant wait to spend another day in it!

At the moment I am really wanting to cut myself, I know it will not solve anything but I know that I will feel a little better after I do it. I am feeling very alone at this moment and wish I just had someone to hold me and tell me its going to be ok. Yeah I know I need to just wake up and smell he reality of what I just said, because I know its not gonna happen. I found out tonight that the guy that I wish was mine has this girl from another state coming to visit him and again.  I thought I was ok with him dating this girl, I thought I could handle just being best friends but the fact is that I just keep wishing he will see that I am the one thats here, I am the one that laughs with him, I am the one that does things for him ( cook, clean his house, wash his dishies ect...). I dont expect anything from him, I just wish he would realize that he has a good thing infront of him. I know that I just need to move on and realize that its his loss, but the fact is is that I feel that if I move on I will be the one to have lost. How is it that I can care for someone so much and know at the same time that he doesnt have the same feelings.

God, I just wish I could get this pain to stop!

Some days thats what I feel like, a giant superbeast. Thank goodness today isnt one of those days!

Anyways as I sit here and rock out to rob zombie, I cant help but think what a great day I have had already and I feel that as the day and night comes on it will be just as good or even better. I love when I feel ontop of things and not that I am worth shit. LOL thats kinda funny that I say that because I suppose no one wants to feel like complete shit.

I ask myself almost every day if I will ever find someone for me?

Will I find someone thats willing to love and care for me, will I ever find someone that is willing to take my faults along with the good?

when I answer myself I say no! But deep down inside I just keep hope that there is that person out there.

Well I have been doing some thinking today and alot of my thoughts haven't been the greatest, but on the other hand I have been sitting here for the last half hour or so and have really been thinking that I need to pull my head out of my ass and get on with my life! I know that things are not always going to be great so why do I try and make it seem that I must always be perfect. 

1.) I am going to stop smoking, I think if I stop that nasty habit I will feel alot better about myself!

2.) I am going to work going to the gym at least 3 times a week and I am also going to working on eating better.

3.) I am going to continue with school and put my full attention on my studies, by doing this I will start getting the grades that I want and need to make me happier.

These are my three goals for as of right now! I think that if I start to fallow these steps I will in the long run begin to feel better about myself!

Well I started on the path of not smoking and it’s a real bitch! Already this morning I have eaten some little rice cakes ( which was not bad) but then I got out of class and I really wanted a smoke, so I thought ok I will be good and stick to what I said I was going to do. So I then went to get me something to eat so that I wouldn’t be hungry and wanting to smoke all at the same time. Yeah the plan was to get some fruit and a salad, well as soon as I got in the cafeteria I saw that they had bean and beef burrito's and mini taco's. To say the least I feel like a complete pig now! All I really want to do now is go into the bathroom and purge everything I just ate. I will need to work out extra hard for the next few days because I know now that this not smoking thing is really gonna make me want to eat everything all the time!

 Since I have stopped smoking I have certainly been making a pig of my self! I just got done eating an English muffin with strawberry jam, crackers and cheese. I know that may sound like its fine but I have already ate lunch for the day and at lunch I had tuna fish and lay's chips which is so not the best choice for eating when your trying to watch what you eat. Ever since I have stopped smoking I want crunchy type foods so what I think I am going to do is get me some raw veggies and ranch so that way if I am craving a smoke I can just eat some veggies, so that way I am not feeling horrible about eating.

I sit here looking at all the red and white balloons and all the pretty roses that all the sweet guys have sent to there wonderful sweethearts. I so want to just go home crawl in bed and sleep until next week, because not only is it V-day, tomorrow Brian's girlfriend will be here and I will not be able to see him for a whole week due to her being jealous of me. I really hate this day, for as far as I can remember I never liked FEB 14th and you know what I think I will always continue to dislike this horrible day!

Did I mention that I hate this damned day?

I am looking foward to this evening I have a friend thats coming into town and we are going to hang out and watch movies.  Its good that I will be doing somthing fun tonight because the rest of my weekend will be completely full of homework. I have a 400 plus book that I have to read,  And all the back assignments that I need to get done for my math class. All I can say is thank god for 3 day weekends, because with out them I would be totally screwed!

1) I wonder if I will actually make something of myself

2) I wonder if I will ever be happy with just being me

3) I wonder if I will ever be able to put my skinny jeans on ever again

4) I wonder if the guy that I really like will ever feel the same way about me

They may seem like silly things to many others but I can't help but think about these things at least once a day.

Well my mother talked me into doing this diet that sounded easy enough, due to the fact that you only have to be on it for three days then the other 4 you can eat what ever you want!( which means not eating at Mickey D's for every meal but eat as you would normally do) I have to say that the day started out just fine no problem, but I have to tell you from 3pm on was not the easiest of times. Its not that I was starving but my tummy was talking and I really just wanted to eat something.

This is what I have had to eat today:

BREAKFAST

1 slice of toast with 1 tbsp peanutbutter on it

8 ounces of grapefruit juice

LUNCH

1 can of tuna

1 slice of toast

DINNER

2 chicken tenders (3 oz each)

1 cup green beans

1 cup beets

Snack

1 apple

1 cup vanilla Ice cream

They say you should lose 8-10 pounds in the 3 days, if this works I will stop my complaining about the little amount of food that I am having to consume. I really shouldnt be complaining at all its not that I normally eat alot anyways, its just that I eat the wrong things!

I feeling very much right now that I am in a very deep hole and cant seem to dig my way out!

I would like to thank all of you that wished me a happy birthday, I had a really good day!

Its been some time since I last made an entry, and I have been thinking about why I really havent been writing on here as much. The only reason is that I feel like all I write on here is how bad things are for me and that I just cant seem to get my shit together. And to be honest thats all I can seem to think to write about as I sit here and type this out. I just wish that I could wake up and feel ok with who I am and not feel that I am just another leech-body sucking up air that some useful person could be using!

right now I just really wish I could ask god whats his reason for having me here?

I have been doing an extreme amount of sleeping lately and it seem to be getting worse! I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is go back to sleep. Alot of it has to do with me being depressed lately about school. I am taking some classes that are kicking my ass and the thing about it is that there not all that hard either. There just a hell of alot of reading and writing, its just that I cant seem to retain any of the info that I am reading and its really frustrating. And on top of that I have never been very good at writing out true formal essays and thats a big part of this Literature class that I am taking. Like if it wasnt for a good friend of mine helping with the first paper that was due I most likely wouldnt have got it done.

As I sit here wondering why I am always feeling so shitty I have to agree with this qoute that I just read.

" Life Consists not in holding good cards but in playing those that you hold well"

I think I need to take that qoute to heart and really start learning to play my cards better!

Well I managed to wake up at 1 in the afternoon today, so much for going to classes!

On the up side I might be going back to work, so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well its been some time since I last wrote in here and I figured it was about time that I stop holding it all inside.

I was in a awful mess in my last post and  am some what still in it, I however have recoverd some and am trying to move on. I did lose those two people in my life, Even though they said that we would always be friends. Never the less they have stopped speaking to me and make no effort to try. These two people have broken my heart and I am having a hard time repairing it! I know that what I had to tell them was a blow, but dont tell  me that your not mad and that we will always be friends and then just stop speaking to me! I have tried contacting each of the two and seem to be the only person willing to put effort into being a friend. Maybe this is what I deserve and thats just karma, but my heart is not understanding any of it.

Thanks to all the people that messaged me and stayed in contact with me even while I was not updating my blog!

Well its a beautiful day out and I am stuck in the house cleaning and doing laundry! yuk

So far I feel really good today, I went and met with my lawyer about my bankruptcy and He made me feel alot better about things. I have to laugh because I never thought that I would feel so good about taking out bankruptcy! Maybe its just relief......

I want to make a quick shout out to my friend Danielle, it's her 29th Birthday!

I hope you have a great day and have lots of fun tonight!!!!

Well I had an ok weekend, a group of my neighbors to be which are some of my friends had a yard sale this weekend. I didnt make much which sucked because I could really use the money but oh well. But all and all I think the sale made over $400 which is good for my friends. I also got the worst farmers burn ever, I wanted to wear a tank top but I didnt want to scare people. So I am stuck with this screwed up Burn. Oh well I guess that will just give me a reason to lay out by my parents pool and tan so that I even everything out again! LOL

HA HA HA, ok enough of that!

I will be heading out her shortly to go bowling and I am so not looking foward to it. I use to look foward to bowling night because it was something fun I could do with my best friend. Well now that I have been replaced by a new girl  we hardly even talk any more. We use to talk on a daily basis and spend a majority of our time together and now the only time we even look at one another is when we meet on thursdays for bowling. Maybe  I need to get over it and just move on, but at the same time I am angery that I was dropped like it was no big deal! Did my friendship mean so little that it was just that easy to drop? Or was it that I never had a friend at all. I dont know, but all I do know is that it has hurt me, and  I have decided that I am going to have a talk with him and see where things stand with us.

I feel like screaming right now, I feel as if my life is one big fuck up and no matter what I try to do to change it I cant!

I sit here  thinking that I am such a slacker and should be getting off my butt to start cleaning my apartment.

It seem like I just cant find the energy to do it, but I know it needs to be done so I am sure some time today I will begin the wonderful fun of cleaning!

On another note I am feeling as if I need to change my life, I feel as if I have lost control and the depression has taken me over. The one thing I can say that I am proud of myself for is that I havent allowed  the depression to cause me to drink in excess.  All I know is that it feels like I have nothing postive in my like right now and its been that way for a long time.

Well I am home from my vacation on Whidbey Island and I have to say I was extremely surprised how much I loved it up there! Whidbey is well known for there rich snobbish type people, I mean hell Bill Gates had a home three homes down from where I was staying.  We had a place that looked right over Penn Cove, its was so beautiful. I got to see local wild life which I loved, I got to see Jellyfish floating along in the water it was amazing, and the star fish were so cool! But I have to say I think the best part of the whole trip was that I got to go Kayaking for the first time and I have to say the view was awesome!!!  The whole trip really had me thinking that  maybe I need a change of scen to help my get my life back in order. I dont know what it was but it just was such a pleasure waking up everyday to a beautiful place every day! I know that I am living in a dream world but its still a dream I word like to maybe work into reality!

oh yeah, I will have pictures that I took on the trip up as soon as I can!

I have decided that I am extremely tired of being over weight! So from this day on I am making it a must to eat healthier and to exercise every day! I know that I have said this many times before but I just have this feeling that I will stick to it this time! The last year, (well no that’s not being truthful) more like the last 4 years of my life I have felt as though I am lost, hopeless, and all round just wanted to really give up on living. I can not count the times I have thought of killing myself just in the last year. But on a more Positive note I am going to try and re-claim my life one step at a time and I think no I mean I know that’s why I am going to stick to making my self better. Because I know once I start eating right and exercising that I will physically start to feel better and with that I will slowly start to work on all the mental hang ups I have. And yes I know that all this will take time and patience and yes I know that there will be days that I will want to just say "FUCK IT" and go on about life as I have been doing but I guess that’s one thing that I am going to ask of all the people that read this blog is please remind me of this blog entry. Because part of this new way is that I am going to make it a priority that I write in my blog at least every other day so that I can fallow my progress or my lack of.

Mood: Positive

Music: Etta James " I just want to make love to you"

Well I woke up this morning at 8(even though I didn’t lay down till 5am) and it seemed like it was going to be a good day! Boy was I wrong, ok ok don’t get me wrong things could have been a hell of a lot worse but of course who ever looks at it that way while you are having your 50th brain ache and its only 10am! Anyways I woke up completely zombie like but was determined that I was going to get my butt moving and go to the gym. 1st thing of the day to go wrong is I go to take a shower and there is no water! (got to love it when your landlord forgets to tell you he is turning the water off to fix things!) 2nd is that I was oh so blessed to see my SORRY ASS SUPPOSE TO BE MY FRIEND on my way to the gym and as of lately he is not in my good graces in fact he is SCUM no no he is worse then SCUM he is the Fungus that grows on the SCUM! Ok now that I have that out of my system :)  3rd I get to the gym I am all pumped by now to workout and get my anger out, I reach for the door to find that it's LOCKED! Now see the gym that I attend is park of one of the local Colleges here in town so since I have not been going to it all summer I of course did not know of the summer schedule!

By this point I feel as though I am going to cry! But no I stop myself and say that since I have the free time this morning that I will go do what shopping I need to do. I called my mother up and she and I went and got our shopping done. When I finally made it back to mothers home I was starving and very tired, which makes for a very unhappy person. I was so grumpy my mother told me that she really thought that after I ate that I should go and take a nap. I agreed and that’s what I did, but of course when I woke I felt horrible and I have been dizzy with a headache that is very bad. As I sit here trying to finish this entry I feel as if I might puke! So no such luck for even going for a walk this evening. But on a more positive note I think I might actually sleep tonight! And now that I know what the times are for the Gym I will be there tomorrow with bells on.

Another wonderful day to add to the bank of memories, I really shouldnt complain nothing has happened to me to cause me to have a bad I just feel like being a bitch lately and I cant explain why. I have to say that I am really not liking this transition of stay up all night and sleeping in  to going to bed some what early and getting up early. I have never been a morning person and this change just totally confirms my dislike for early mornings.

Well I started my day out with getting up even earlier then I had yesterday so as to make it on time to the gym before they closed for the morning. My workout was good, my legs were on fire by the time I got out of there.

I have been fallowing the weight watchers program althought I am not attending the meetings. It seems to be going well, I like the fact that I can eat an assortment of things.

Mood: grumpy

Music: CAKE "I WILL SURVIVE"

I have been watching the news alot lately and with everything thats going on around me I cant help but feel so helpless! Katrina has cause so much trauma that people have lot there minds and gone back to being animals. Only if the people looting and causing harm to other would just stop and help and try and make things better things just might move along faster. I dont know who am I to judge anyone I am not there and have no idea how anyone of those people feels so I should say anything. Along with every thing thats going on with katrina I am having a really difficult time with this war that our men and women are over there dying for what? 

It just all this death is happening all round me and I just dont know how to deal with it.

Well one thing that I am going to do is tomorrow I am taking clothing and I am actually going to open a vein so that for who ever can use it can have it!

well I got a phone call from a place that I recently applied to and they want me to come in for an interview!

I am really nervous but I suppose thats just normal. I really could use this job, it a chance for some what of a new start for me and I just could really use the money!

Well I had my interview yesterday and I felt that it went very well!

Well I was wrong I recieved an email this morning stating the fallowing.

Dear Kristen,

Thank you for your interest in working at RBS Interactive, Inc.  It was a pleasure speaking with you during our recent interview.

At this time, we are considering other candidates who we feel more closely meet our needs for the 89Glass or Quality Smith positions.  We will keep your résumé on file for six months and if any future openings match your experience and background, we will contact you at that time.

I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

I am starting to feel as if I will not find a job thats worth while. I sit here in tears wondering why things just keep hitting me in the face. I feel as if my worth is shit and it just keeps getting worse.

Well I cant say that I feel much better about things, but I know that there is one constant in life and thats change.

I will move on and do what I have to do to survive. I really feel as though I am shallow because of all that is going on with New Orleans, and you know what I am pretty fucking stupid. Here I have a roof over my head, a family that loves me and many more things then alot of people have at this moment and all I can do is feel bad for myself. I just have to think of a song done by Fleetwood Mac called WHY it starts out by saying           "there is no reason to cry anymore it over now and there will always be another day" or something along those lines.

WOW, its seems like its been forever since I last wrote on here but it really hasnt been that long. Well I went camping and had a ok time, with it being so damn dry these days its like a dust bowl. So no matter what you do you always end up feeling dirty and looking all dirty. lol   Well for the most part I have decided that I am going to just be a lazy bones today. I just have been so stressed and worried about all that going on its really starting to eat at me. Yesterday I had a wonderful panic attack and had to call my mother to come and save me, it was awful. So today that why I feel that doing nothing might just help a little bit, I am going to read and just not think about things as much as I can. I know it may seem as if I am trying to hide from things, but if I continue doing what I am doing then I am afraid that I might freak out and not just a little freak out either.

Ha Ha thats a joke, my life these days are extremely boring and filled with alot of nothin. WTF do
I do? I am so seriously freaking out about my life I just dont know what to do next. I went for another interview a week ago they said that they would call me the next day weather they felt the job was for me or not. Well they still haven't called and I seriously doubt thats good thing!

Mood: Sad, confused,mad at myself

Music: Garbage "I think I'm Paranoid"

At this moment I am really not sure how to feel. I found out last night that two people that I thought were my friends are not.

I am very sorry that the both of you feel thats how I really am!

Well today has gone well for me, I had some running around and I went and visited a friend of mine. She and I had a long talk about the things that have been going on in each others life and just had a good time together!     

I also have found out that I will be going back east to visit family at the end of October so that should be fun!     I will be gone for two weeks traveling to West virginia, Georgia and Florida. I will get to meet family that I have never met before but have heard so many great stories about! So I am looking forward to making the trip.

The past few days for the most part have been good. I feel as if I will be able to get on and do something in my life other then dragging all this extra baggage around. Maybe it just took me getting really pissed off and being hurt by two people I thought I could trust to always be there for me. Anger has a good way of kicking you in the ass and getting you to move on!

For the most part I would like to thank those of you that have been my friends no matter what! Those are the real people that you know you can always count on.

Well as of yesterday I started a job taking care of an older woman, I am not sure how long it will last but at least its money for the time! I am super tired right now so I am not going to bore you all with the details as of yet.

 Hope all is well for everyone!

I havent been writing the last few days due to the fact that I have second degree burns on my right hand fingers and they really hurt!! Soo not much has been really happen around this joint just the same old grind. Well when I have healed a little more I shall talk about the endless nothing I like to call my life...lol

hope all is well for everyone!!!

Why is it that some people have nothing better to do then try and get under your skin?

Its been some time since I last posted anything partly due to the fact that I hurt my self and partly due to the fact that I am feeling really crappy. I cant say exactly whats bothering me I just know that things are starting to cloud over. But other than that work is ok, Halloween is tomorrow and I just love handing out candy to the little ones!

I hope all is well for everyone!

Hmmm, Well life is going ok although I think I could deal without the wonderful rumors going on around town but hey its walla walla right! I love how some people just never seem to actually grow up. But enough about all that stupid stuff, life has been going ok I cant say I can complain. I just hope with everything falling in to place that I will be able to return to school and finish what I started! I am so close that its not even funny, I just think that I am so afraid of making the wrong choices after the fact is whats crippling me. Well that and the fact that I cant seem to handle stress that well when it comes to taking care of my own life. The saying that we are our worst critic is oh so true!!! Well I wish I had something more profound and meaningful to write about but I dont so I hope life is treating you all well and until the next time.

Music: "All my life" By Foo Fighters

Mood: Content

Oh yeah before I forget you all need to read "A Million Little Pieces " By James Frey

Its a heart wrenching book but  after reading it I know that I will never forget it and I will be always greatful for reading it!!!!!

I cant help but be sad because of lost friendships....just last year at this time I can remember three people that I considered to be very important people in my life. But as I sit here and think about my loss of these people I find myself asking is there something differently I should have done, or should I have considered them that important in the first place. One person I can honestly say I should have known better then to be as open with and let get that close to me. The second I know why and the reason for the split but tried my hardest to get thing back to the way they were but we all know that after certain things happen in a friendship there is just no going back to being what it was in the first place. The Third person and I still say we are friend and we do sometimes still chat but its like a struggle to talk when we are together or on the phone any more. I wish I could say I wish thing were back to the way they were a year ago this time but that would be a huge lie! Things were not bad but I was in a really bad spot in my life and I was there for a good while. I wish I still had those friendships and I wish that things were the way they were then, but I guess if that were possible It would have worked out that way or will work out that way.

Music: "Mercy, Mercy, Mercy" Cannonball Adderley

Mood: Sad and Tired

Well yet again its another gray day and I am actually kinda glad that it is because today just seems like a nice day to wear sweats and a big sweater. I just started Memoirs of a Geisha and so far it seems like a good book, so thats another reason today is a good day for being lazy and comfortable I will be able to get into my book. Things have been going ok lately although I am starting to worry  because I will be off for the week of thanksgiving because the family will be home to take care of my little lady. It wouldnt have been so bad if they had told me they were going to do this a coupld weeks ago. It would have given me a chance to save a little money from each check so that way I wouldnt be scraping for cash while waiting for my next payday. But its all good I will be ok and will deal with it. I suppose I will just have to be really watchful of the way I spend money because if this is what they are going to do to me on the week of thanksgiving a hate to see what they will do when it comes to christmas! LoL, anyways I am gonna get back to my book. I hope ya'll have a good day!

Hey ya'll I hope everyone has a wonderful Turkey day!!!!!

Damn I think I ate enough for a small country!

LoL, all and all I had a good thanksgiving, all the things that I made for the meal turned out good or atleast thats what I was told by everyone. Well I am going to go to sleep now I am sooooo sleepy.

Well I hope everyone got there fill of turkey or whatever for a little while.  LOL all I know is that I will be eating nothing but salads and other very healthy items because I feel like I ate a freaking house and I feel as wide as one to!

For some reason am feeling very tired lately and no its not all the turkey I ate this week...lol...so stop clownin. I have a feeling its because of the weather and with that I seem to fall into a depression, although its not just the weather thats got me feelin crappy I have been planning on going back to school and I knew that I would have to pay for a couple quaters and pay some money back as well. But I have just been informed that my rent will be going up a good deal and its going to cut into my plans for me going back to school. So that has me in a funk as well as the weather. Plus on top of that I have to pay the rest of my bankrupcy off so that can be taken care of. Some times I have to wonder if things will get better but then I remind myself to not allow myself to start thinking those type of thoughts. Its all good I picked up a couple app's over the last couple days for night job one is for a 7-11 and the other is for Jack in the crack.....(they both are my dream jobs dont you know...) Ok ok Just joshin ya'll but atleast it will be more money if I get hired on at one those two places.

Its been some time since I last wrote and all I can say is that I just do not feel like writing! I cant say why I feel this way I just do, and on top of all that I really havent felt like reading about anyone elses life or drama. I know that may sound horribly mean but that just the way I feel. Like today I forced myself to read what all has been going on or not going on and I am basically forcing myself to write this now. I feel bad for feeling this way but I see a few other people are kinda feeling the same way so I supose that make me feel a little better.

I am freezin anyone want to donate to the same Kristen from the cold fund?

LOL nah I am just kidding, but it is way to cold lately and that really sucks. Well for the most part life is goin well I cant say I have any major complaints. Well I will write more this weekend at the moment I just wanted to write a little somethin to let you all know that I hadnt died....lol

Well its been way to long since I last wrote on here and as I sit here typing I am at a lack of words. The last couple months have been really up and down for me. I seem to just be floating through life and I cant stand it, it's really driving me nuts. Why cant I just be like a normal 23 and have a plan? On top of having all those feelings I have also come to the conclusion that I really need to get myself healthy not by just dieting and losing weight I mean mentally as well as all of that. And with that I have been trying to find a starting point and I tell you what thats not as easy as it sounds. I mean at this moment I feel like my life and way of living is a mess. I mean at this very moment I am thinking what a mess my apartment is and no matter how many times I get started and it starts to look pretty good I just cant seem to get it clean. I am by no means a slob but these last few months you would not be able to tell. I just cant seem to get it together!! So the plan is this friday I have the day off so that means Kristen is turning into a cleaning fool and when that is done I am actually making myself a chore list to fallow at night when I get home!

well I just finished my second week of weight watchers and I have lost a grand total of 13 pounds!!!!

I feel fucking great about losing the weight and feel like this is something I can continue to do and will continue to do until I hit my goal!

I know it has been some time since I last blogged but like I have said in the last entry I just havent really felt like writing anything down. Maybe I just needed a little break for a while. Well anywho I have been off from work this whole week due to the fact that I got that horrible cold that seems to be going around but I am starting to feel better so thats a good thing. Although I will not be getting a pay check for this week so thats got me a little worried. But I guess thats just the way life is....you get some you lose some. Well I think I better get going I have some bills that are late and need to be paid, lol I wouldnt want them to turn off my electricity now would I.....

I hope all is well and I do hope to be writing more soon!!!

I have to thank everyone that wished me a happy birthday!

Well the last week or so has been rough and I didnt do to well in the department of weight loss. I lost half of a pound....which by all means is good because I could have lost nothing but I do have to say I was hoping to have lost at least a couple pounds. But I suppose with being sick and having surgery in the same week just screwed with me...its all good though this week has been better and I am hoping to be a couple pounds lighter when I get back on the scale!!!

I hope everyone is well!!!

I am just so sick of  having to battle to keep my head above water...well I suppose everyone has this problem in one way or another. But I have to say I just dont know what I am doing wrong to keep putting me in the situation of having to barrow money from my parents to stay afloat at times. I mean I always pay them back but I just wish I could go with out ever having to ask them. Ok...Ok...now that I got that out I feel a little better.

Today is kinda an icky day...its gray and I feel overly tired which means I have no energy which in turn make me not want to do anything of the things that need to be done around my house.....OMG am I being a whinning little brat today or what...lol...ok I think I am going to get myself some coffee and get my ass moving!

Oh and please keep our friend Emily(chitownfreak) in your thoughts!

Well its the end of the week for me and I am soooooooo happy! I swear the little lady that I take care of is just down right sour...some days I think she loves seeing how far she can push me. But I have to give myself a huge pat on the back cause I have kept from ripping her head off!!!

On a happier note I have hit a total of 18 lbs lost on the Weight watchers program.....to say that I am happy is putting it mildly....I mean all in all its been really easy to stay on track....I mean dont get me wrong there are days that are not so easy but for the most part it is. Like tonight my parents took me to dinner. They both asked where I would like to eat and since I have been thinking about a friend of mine lately I decided on mexican in her honor!! Well even with eating everything I wanted I still was able to stay within my points.

Ok enough about all that.....last night I talked to a friend of mine that I havent spoken to in a while or should I say someone that I have spoken to but every time we do talk its like for 10 min tops and its like we have to fight to have a conversation....which really sucks. Well last night he called and we talked for almost 2 hours! Yeah I know....It was nice to chat with him about random stuff but I have to admit it still was like we were forcing it. Oh well atleast were talking!

The last week has been shit....I find out last week that I will no longer be working as of June 1st. Which was completely fine with me because I had plenty of time to find another job and I really cant stand working for this woman (she was spawned by the devil him self I swear it!!!). But come Monday I go to get my check and her daughter who is a family friend has left a letter and my check taped to her office door. (yes I was a little pissed that I had set a time to meet and talk with her and then she goes and write some letter and leaves my money taped to a door!) Any who the letter stated that my services would no longer be needed that they will take over care for her mother and that I have been a wonderful person but that with school being so slow they will not be needing me further. We had just spoken about all of this...I asked her when I would no longer continue with the care of her mother and she assured me June 1st. I even double checked with her!!!!

And  I found this all out after a weekend that was suppose to be fun that turned into the weekend from hell....it was so bad I dont even want to talk about it!!!

So of course I am totally stressed and freaked out about what I am going to do.... then I emotionally eat myself into a coma and play like everything is fucking peachy.

I went to my Weight watchers meeting and I gained 4 pounds and that soo didnt help....but you know what I fucking did it to myself and I have no one else to blame but myself! And the thing is I dont blame anyone for any of this shit except for myself!

It's almost time for me to leave to go for an interview with the state hospital....and I feel as though my skin is going to crawl away. This job would be extremely good for me better pay, doing something I would enjoy, I would have to move about 45 minutes away but I am looking at it as a positive/negitive. I think the thing that makes me nervous about moving even a short distance is because I am afraid that I am going to fall flat on my ass like the last time I moved. Yes this is a little different becasue its only a short distance from my family but I am always so scared to fuck things up....but it seems like I do a good job of that without taking chances....

I really want this job!!!!! And I know that I can do it and that I would be good at it....but in my head I keep hearing this voice saying "you are not good enough, you are not what they are looking for" So right now I am fighting that with all that I am and its wearing me out....I just need to remember that I am worth something and that they would be lucky to make me part of thier team!

PLEASE LET ME GET THIS JOB!!!!

I am feeling sick today and that sucks cause its a beautiful day outside and all want to do is go out in it!

I think I might relax for a little while then I might try and go out and do a few things (get my schedule for work, ummm....go see a friend of mine and see what other trouble I can get myself into!)

Well I think my interview went well yesterday....well at least I hope it did. At least its done and I can stop feeling like my skin is gonna crawl away. Hmmmm maybe thats why I dont feel so hot today....lol I dont know why stress effects me like that but it does.

Well the whole weight loss thing kinda was put on hold for a couple weeks cause with me losing my job and my grandmother all in a two period really put me into some serously bad eating habits. Although thats different this week I have stayed on a good eating spree. Along with the good eating I have been trying to do something that makes me sweat every night (to bad the making me sweat thing wasnt doing the nasty with a cutie) but never the less the goal is to lose the couple pounds I put on while not watching my eating habits. My total weight loss was at 25 pounds but I am now back to 22 which is ok I will lose it again move on from there!!!

I have to say that I am very proud of my self with the weight that I have lost....this is the first time that I have ever really stuck to a weight loss program. I have done the weight watchers program a couple times before but I really didnt want to do it because my grandmother was making me do it....or she had guilted me into going. I know that it was my choice in the past to fail and oh did I.....My weight all my life has been one big yoyo. I was a skinny little kid till about 3rd grade then I put on some weight and from there its been "FAT,SKINNY,FAT,SKINNY,FAT" My grandmother put me on my first diet when I was 8 and I did them till about my last year of high school then I remember I started crying when she was telling me how cute I was even though I was Chubby....from that moment on I refused to say the diet word or even talk to people about it.  So when I decided to do this and I actually stuck to it and still am sticking to it, it really make me feel good.

LOL there is one thing I have totally kept it  from grandmother but I know that if she knew what I was doing that I would never hear about anything else but dieting. She has notice that the weight is coming off and she has said that she is proud of me but I change the subject soon after her saying something about it cause I love her and I really do not want to be mad and bitter with her other this silly of a thing!

I got the job!!!!!!!

I got the call as I am about to start my training at McDonalds.....phew this is a big weight lifted of my chest.

Although things are gonna be a pain in the ass for a while cause this mean that I am gonna be moving and I am always a reck while moving.....One thing that scares me is my cat she has never lived with a little dog and well there is gonna be a little dog in the house where I am moving to. I love my cat but I almost wish I had a home for her to go to...someone that I know that would love her and take care of her! But also on the other hand I think of giving her up and it makes me want to cry....so that means Miss Zoe will be moving with me.

I just pray that everything works out ok....

God I feel like a cow today....but you know what I did it all to myself!!!!

Thats what I get for giving in to my little brother and his friends for us all to go to a buffet for lunch!!!

Wrong choice when you are like super hungery!

Well I am very tired today its been a long week! I have been workin my fannie off and having to move all my stuff back to my apartment has not helped with the whole stress level...but oh well I will live it doesnt matter that I have to be up at 4am and leave a 5am to be at work by 6am...yuk I so hate mornings! But with all that thats going on I am still very sad about losing a person that I thought was very much one of my best friends. I still do not know how to feel about the situation...I mean I just do not understand why or what made things go sooo wrong. But you know what I do know one thing I did what I felt was right and I was not about to let someone treat me as if I was a nasty rag!

Hmmm where to begin...well last night was my weight watchers meeting and I have lost a total of 42 pounds since I started. I am very pleased with the results but at the same time I cant help but remember how far I still have to go....I know I know be positive and really I am but its still hard to believe that thats what I have lost when I look at myself and still think I have a hell of alot more to go. But anyways I am home sick today from work, I have not felt that great the last few days and this morning when I woke up at 3:45am I felt even worse.

Other then being sick for the most part the job is good...I just wish I could have a perm position now!        LOL....I am sure thats what all the the others are thinking as well!

Well I am back to grind tomorrow and I tell you what I hate the fact that I have to be up so freaking early in the morning! I hate mornings have I ever told ya'll that....lol I think I might have mentioned it a time or two.

As much as I like this job this early morning shyt is just that shyt....anyways enough of that. The last few days have been good it was nice having a few extra days off even it was because I was sick. I got a good tan started and got to spend time with my family and thats always great.

I have Question for that I have been rolling around in my head.....I have this friend that is seeing a man that I dated for 8 months and stopped dating him because he was cheating on me and just thought thats the way things are suppose to be in a relationship. (to say the least it was a great blessing that I realized that I could do so much better) Anyways He and I have continue to talk online and with him always trying to get me to see him. At one point I was thinking of giving him another chance when I thought I would test him by having this friend message him online and see if he would take the bate even though he said that I was his girl and that he was not looking for anyone else! Well he got busted, and I said so long have a great life. Well she continued to talk to him. I knew but I didnt think anything by it because she knew everything he had done to me and with what had just happened I didnt think she would even think of trying to see him. Thats was around christmas and about a month ago when her and I moved in together I knew that she was sleeping with him. Then everything went wrong with things between us and I never brought it up. well she and I are kind of talking again...I try and not hold on to shyt its bad karma anyways she and I are talking and she brings his name up and I just cant help what comes out of my mouth..."So how long have been F*cking my Ex?" She looked stunned for a few moments then she says about a month ago....I looked and her and said that I knew that it was bullshyt that she was hiding it from me and dropped it. well then she says that he has been standing her up and I laughed and said yeah that he will do that alot and that she shouldnt expect much from him thats just how he is and that he only thinks of him self! Well the girl has got the nerve to tell one of our friends that I am acting strange about all of this and that I was throwing shyt in her face! I was soo blowin away!

My question is if this was your friend how would you feel about all of this and what would you do about it?

This is just all to much Drama for me...

I am very scared at this moment.....I have been having a very hard week at work and I am really starting to feel like things are not going to work out. I feel as though everything I do is not good enough and I feel like I have eyes on me at every move I make...which of course makes me fuck up even more! (pulls hair from my head) I think I am going to go to bed early and get a good nights rest and in the morning I will go in fighting! ( which I mean doing the best I can and showing the most positive things about myself) I know that I am a hard worker and that I have a natural nak for working with people....but sometimes I wonder if  have what they are looking for or if I am just another body and when the time comes I will be out like yesterdays trash.

Well as of last week I had lost a total 44 lbs but as of last nights meeting I gained 4 pounds!

I was so up set last night that I think I cried for two hours....so of course today I feel as though I ate a horse.

My moods have been so off the freakin wall that I just dont know how to feel right now!

I cant stand to be around many people right now...and even the people that I can stand still piss me off.

Things are just not right and I dont know how to fix things. Last night I sat at home crying and eatting myself to death then when I couldnt eat any more I purged and purged and purged some more. After I was all done with that I brushed my teeth and crawled in bed and slept till about 8 this morning. When I woke I still felt like I was gonna crawl out of my skin and decided that a nice hard workout at the gym would maybe do the trick.

Boy was I wrong...so since nothing seems to be working I have decided to hide and try and get out of this sour mood I am in because I have a feeling it will only get worse.

I most likely will not be writing in here for a little over a week...due to the fact that I got a time break(schedule change) and my new days off are wed/thurs which means I will be workin a full  8 days...now I know that may not sound like alot but when you are up for over 16-18 hours a day then it becomes alot...well atleast for me!

There goes some plans that I was making. Well I am off to be weighed at my weight watchers meeting....I think I did ok this week...well atleast I hope so.

I have to say the last week has been very stressful....I worked alot and was up for many hours. But to top all that my care started doing some crazy shyt and with me having to drive as far as I do to work every day I started lookin at getting another one. Well I went lookin for something that I could pay off in a year or two without pay through the nose....lol tough luck I tell you! So I ended up getting a newer car with payments that are higher then I wanted and with having to have a loan I am pay big bucks on a huge APR. So now the first thing that always hits me is I am gonna fuck this up and not be able to do this...well on top of that I have my father(step dad) telling me the samething and him being very pissed off at me.

I cant seem to stop crying when I am by myself...when I can finally get some sleep I wake up puking.

I am very scared and feel awful....I cant do much with out thinking about how I am going to keep head above water.

Well I sit here at work...yeah yeah I know I should be working right! Well all my work is done and all the clients a sleeping and need to assistants from me with that. So I am being a bad little worker and doing things online that I shouldnt be such as blogging....but I just read some where that blogging is like intellectual masturbation and boy oh boy did that sound like fun to me....lol no no really I totally agree with it. I mean tell me that ya'll dont feel this weight/release of emotion lifted after writing about what you write about...Even if what you just told the world of bloggers was just about how you took the trash out today and that it made you feel a little better...just the fact that you were able to express something and not keep it trapped in your mind is a great release. So yea I think blogging is a form of intellectual masturbation.....

Sorry maybelle I kinda went off on a little ride of intellectual masturbation time!

I am down in the dumps the last few days. I'm mad about somthings that I have no control over and it pisses me off even more that I can't do anything about it. frustation is the word of the hour and boy is it really pissing me off even more. I suppose you could just say that I am a very mad person right now and dont know how to handle things. I am tired of being/feeling fucked up....I am tired of not being able to take pride in myself because I never seem to know what or who I am...I know that may not make sense to people but it does to me. I just keep telling myself that things could be worse and that I am very fortunate to have what I have. And I really do believe that...its just unnerving to not feel comfortable with yourself, to not ever feel at ease.

INSTRUCTIONS:


1. Do the following WITHOUT complaint. (You whiny monkeys)
2. Choose 3 people or more to do this after you completed yours.
3. Leave a tag on the person's page to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with I have been tagged. then do this (copy and paste!).

FAVOURITES:

Favourite Colour: Blue
Favourite Food: Any of my mama's southern cookin 
Favourite Movie:  The god father
Favourite Season: spring
Favourite Icecream: black cherry 

CURRENTS:

Current Clothes: jeans, comfy sweater, black K-swiss 

Current Desktop: Clouds
Current Time: 2:30am

Current Surroundings: BP cuff, sat's machine 

Current Annoyances: people 
Current Thoughts:  Isnt it time to go home yet? 

FIRSTS:

First Best Friend: Jake  
First Crush: Pineapple

First Movie: Wizard of Oz 
First Lie:  It wasn't me.... 
First Music: The Doors, Jimi Hendix, Johnny Cash...many more

LASTS:

Last Drink: Bailey's and coffee 
Last Phone Call: My Dad 
Last CD played: Jimi Hendrix

HAVE YOU EVER:

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: yes 

Have you ever broken the law: Yes
Have you ever been arrested: yes
Have you ever been on TV: No
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know:  Yes 

THINGS:

5 things you are good at: Helping people, cooking, ummm.....
4 things you did today: Taken vital signs, took care of my clients, visited with my mother, oh yeah and waited on my so called boyfriend to call me.... 
3 things you can hear right now: the clock, the computer, and the washing machine

Do you ever feel that when it comes to Dating you feel like second best? Or how about this do you ever feel as if you are only half a girlfriend\boyfriend?

Its always up in the air if you are truely dating or you are dating but only when the time is convenient for the other person. I cant help but wonder why I keep walking into relationships like this. I think its because I just keep hoping that someone wiht prove me wrong. And what I mean by that is, I find it hard to trust that someone, anyone really wants to be with me! So by feeling that way I jump head first in with a men that either are afraid of a relationship  and feel like having half a girlfriend, or they just dont care!

I am battling these messed up feelings right now. My brain tells me that I am fine without a man and thatI need to focus on bettering myself. I agree with this full heartedly.

But.....

my heart says why cant I have both? I dont know...I am just sad, sad because I feel as though I will never know what its like to be wanted fully.

There are a few things that I have not taken pride in that I have achieved lately.

First I was finally given a perm position with the State of Oregon. (Now I just need to move to Oregon!)

Second I have lost a total of 55.2 pounds with weight watchers...it feels good to say that I have done it!

Sometimes I focus so much on the bad, or the stressful things in my life that I forget that I have done some good things. I really need to sit back and look at how far I have come since I moved home from Kentucky. I was truely broken and still am in many ways but slowly thoes things are making me who I am and what I will be. Some for the good some for the bad...I just need to remember to keep moving and to stop and look at the things I do have in my life.

Well tonight I was told that I got the other position that I applied for...but there is a huge problem!

Its part-time which I was aware of to a point. I was told that I would have 35 hours a week and that with overtime it wouldnt be a problem getting my full 40 hours. Well tonight I was looking at the paper work that I have to sign and its only 20hrs a week! (um yeah fucking right!) And now they are all pissed off because I am turning it down and keep the position I have now. Maybe this is the sign that I was looking for...A friend of mine was just telling me that the VA hospital is hiring and that its basically the same kind of job. Infact I think I handle more things here then I would there! I just feel like screaming, just when I thought things were working out and that maybe just for once some of the drama in my life would go aways a little. Ok I also feel like crying...I mean its not been an easy couple of days...because if you tend to piss people off out here you tend to not have a job! I have seen them turn on good people and make them look really bad. Like accusing them of things that could keep you from doing this type of work ever again. And when I say that I mean anything that has to do with the medical field what so ever!

Maybe I am just freaking out a little much because I havent slept worth shit...boy am I really scared right now!

So my plan is to fill out the application for the VA and hand that in, I also saw a few CNA position in the paper so I will be going to get info on them!

I just got paid on the first and all of my money is gone to bills...for some reason it just seems wrong!

I feel like shit...I feel like shit....I feel like shit.....hangs head and sobs

Ok so I know I said I was thinking of taking a break from anything that had to do with a computer....but I started thinking that I could and should keep up with my journal! Although I have decided to make this and my email the only type of internet use. I know this sounds really stupid and it sounds as if I am addicted to the internet...I assure you thats not it all why I am doing this. I am just trying to keep myself from being sucked into messes that I always seem to get myself into. And of course as we all now that I take things really hard and tend to make my own mini drama...lol 

So anyways....I am sick and it bites ass! All I want to do is sleep and sleep and of course I cant do that. So I look like the walking dead well I guess it could be worse....I could be the walking dead  Ok I am just being silly now! But I want to thank my mindsay friends that showed they cared by contacting me and letting me know that they would miss me if I was leave.

Ok I gotta get going These Doctors orders will not write Themselves!

I didnt sleep a lot today but what little sleep I did get made me feel better. Well atleast for right now...I might be singing a different tune come 5am when its almost time to go home. And I have found the culprit that gave me such a nasty cold. He and I were talking tonight when he asked "why do you sound funny?" When I said I was sick with a cold he kindly said he was sorry and when I said "You do not need to be sorry, You didnt give it to me!" He then tells me he did and that he had the start of it when were last together.  What a wennie huh? LoL oh well I suppose I could have gotten sick without such a good story to go along with how I got sick in the first place!

Anyways He and I talked got somethings out in the open for both of us. Things will be just taken a step back and I am surprised that I am ok with it...I thought for sure I was dead set on all or nothing but honestly I really think the all scares me. So for the time being we are taking it slow and steady.

Well I got up early Thursday...so that I could clean my place and get it all nice so that I could Invite Ty over for a night of movies, pizza and snuggling! Well I guess I didn’t give the invite early enough as I was told by him! Because he had already made dinner plans with a "friend". Fuck I am being childish about this! I know I called him when I knew he had been off work for 30 min but I guess I just had really been looking forward to spending a little time with him. We made plans for Saturday so that he could teach me about making beer.

Come Friday a bunch of girls got together and we all decided that we needed a girls night out...well being that I have lost 65 pounds and just happened to have a new outfit I was kinda looking forward to it! Although I was suppose to be the designated driver I ended up being the drunkest person of all! Being the dd normally us girls get to drink one or two drinks early in the evening so that way by the time its 2am (bars are closing) the dd will be clear to drive! I know it’s not a very good way of doing things but....that’s how it’s done in our book. Anyways the reason that I couldn’t be the dd was because I was toasted after my two drinks...lol

I really hadn’t been think(which seems to happen alot) but I hadn’t had anything to eat since early that morning.(a bagel) and with the fact that I am sooooo not use to drinking since I have lost all this weight!( I'm a freaking light weight!!!) Anyways after my friend Denise saw that I was gone just after the two drinks she took over being the dd for the night....of course everyone thought it was flippin funny that I couldn’t hold my alcohol anymore. The problem is that even though I knew I was getting drunk faster...I kept ordering drinks like old time! Too say the least I was very intoxicated and honestly can say that I don’t think I ever remember being that drunk before and I never, ever want to be that drunk again! At one point in the evening I thought I was going to pass out! That’s when I knew something was wrong and stopped with the shots and went to water....and got myself chips. Things got a little better after a little food in my tummy and no more alcohol. But being as I had drank alot of Liquor I was still very drunk....  I feel like I made a complete ass out of myself(which I have no doubt that I really did make an ass out of myself) I know that I am a completely happy person when I am drunk and am never mean so that I don’t have to worry about. It’s that I have to be careful that I am not overly friendly with people...and honest I am not one of those girls that pick up on attached men! But since I was overly friendly and just wanting someone to talk with....I think I might have made some girls very mad! Then there are the problems you get when the guy is thinkin "Ha! She is drunk and showing that she is interested I am going to take full advantage" or maybe it’s not like that at all but anyways I had to be saved as well! So the night comes and goes and we go our own ways except for myself and couple people that came in my car which Denise is driving because she is the dd now right! Well we don’t get 50 freaking feet and what do ya know we see pretty red and blue light!!! All I can think is oh shit we are fucked! Denise was the dd but she had a few more then the two drink minimum (I think she had 4 drinks through out the night) and I knew that if she had to blow, that she would not pass! So I decide that I am going to play the drunken friend and really ham it up...trust me it wasn’t much of a challenge for me still at this point! With me being a complete drunk and with the other girls being drunk as well Denise looked like a freaking saint!! She handled her self soooo well I have to say I love my girl she always is there to step if it’s needed and that night I thank god she was there for me!

But anyways Denise and I go and drop off the rest of the girls, Denise then says ok we have to get you something to eat because you are still way to drunk! We went to Shari's had a great time her and I...her laughing at me....having a heart to heart about something’s.....her laughing at me some more! lol it was a good time! By the time I got home it was 3:30am and I had to call a friend of mine to let him know that I got home safely...there again thank god there are people that care for my safety! But he and I ended up talkin on the phone till about 5am and only got off the phone because I was falling asleep on the phone. Was up at 7:30 because I was feeling sick (gee I wonder why?) crawled back in bed about 8 and when I say crawl I mean crawl! I hurt, I felt sick, and I hurt some more... that’s when I made the decision that I will not be drinking for a while...I mean I will have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer but it will not be out with the girls..or anywhere for that matter! Of course I knew that I was hung over and that to help with being hung over I normally drink a beer...I know it sounds awful but that just the way it is....and there is an actual reason why people drink a beer or drink a little when there hungover to feel better! I went to a lecture with my mother on addictions...got to love it when your mother is a social worker....anyways the reason your body feels better when you drink a little when you are hungover is because you are going through a withdrawal process....its not say you are addicted to alcohol its just saying that you have consumed a good amount and that your body is not liking that its not staying at its fixed rate (god I hope this make sense!) Anyhow I got up at about 9 because all I was doing was laying there being a lump. I talked to Ty to figure out what time we were going to get together...we figured about 2ish sounded good. Went to watch a movie in my living room when the power goes out! So I decide to take a shower and get ready for the day and that I could go over to my parents for a little while...plus I needed power so I could do my hair! Well the day moves on and it’s about 2:15ish when I get over to Ty's place where he showed me the process of making beer! It was really very fun, and I guess the rule is when you are making beer you need to drink it as well! But hey by this point I was almost dying I looked really pale when I got there he just laughed at me because he knew I had one hell of a night of drinking! But the beer did me good, it was amazing how much better I felt after drinking it. I had to work so I didn’t stay very late I was at my house with only a few minutes to get ready for work though...I leave Walla by 9pm and got to my place at 8:30pm....so I didn’t have alot of time to get my shit together...but I did it! It was worth spending that after noon/evening with him...it was good times and I think he feels the same so it’s all good!! Although I have to admit the fact that I only slept for a couple hours made me have one hell of a night Saturday! I almost didn’t think I would make it to work....my eyes were blurry and I was so overly tired I just wasn’t functioning well. Oh well I made it and that’s all that matters....I look back over these last couple days and think holy crap!

I think the extreme reality of being hung over....lack of sleep.... really came crashing into me last night! I now understand that I need to slow down on the drinking....I need to start sleeping better....I need to start taking better care of me! Because other wise something bad is going to happen!

Well that’s all folks lol, that was my two days off in a nutshell and maybe I this little reality check will help me get my shit together!!!

I just wish I knew why there must always be something wrong going on in my life? I would understand if I was one of those people that truly craved drama....but I really have to say I am not one of them. I know that I can be a bit of a drama queen at times due to the fact I always over think things and always think of the worst that could happen. But Damn cant a girl just get a break....I have some how have done something to make this possible...I mean really why else would there always be some kind of trauma going on?

I know that I have a knack for putting myself in some really stupid positions, and that I tend to think the best of people or at least hope for the best! Alas...that is one big problem I hold. I fear that I will become bitter over time.

I am very angry tonight...

I just spent the last 2 days off and I really didn’t do much of anything....it was great! Thursday night I made dinner and Ty came over and we ate and talked and over all just had a good night hanging out with each other. He really liked what I made, which was good because I was very nervous that it wasn't going to turn out. Although I have made that dish like a zillion times I was still afraid something was going to go wrong and that he would either hate it or by some strange reason it would make him sick....I know that last is an extreme but that was one of my fears. I made Green chili chicken enchiladas, spanish rice and I went and got chips and salsa from a local mexican place....I didn't make the salsa due to me not having a blender right now. But all and all the meal was a hit! I knew that he wasn't going to be home for the weekend but I know that he has a roommate so I asked if he might want to take some home for him to eat....he said that he would love that so I made up a big thing of food so that he could take it home to his roommate. Well after all that was done things moved into snuggling, a few kisses....ok alot of kisses but it was just nice being able to spend sometime getting to know one another better. I really like the fact that he and I can sit and talk/joke around and me still sit back and go Wow, this guy is alot of fun and intelligent....lol I have to admit that its been really hard for me to find a guy that has all the qualities such as Smart, Good conversation skills, Funny, Good looking, Laid back, Strong drive. Oh and did I mention Good looking? lol I know I am silly but god he has this smile and eyes that just make me blush when I think about him. No but really that aside he really has alot that I would like to have in a guy. I like the fact that we can talk about serious issues but then can be silly and joke around. Ok ok I know I am in that puppy love faze but what the hell right? When he was leaving I had completely forgotten all about making up a to-go thing for his roommate so he reminded me and it really tickled me that he really wanted those left-overs. I got an email from him the next day which I totally wasn't expecting because he worked and when he got off work was heading right out for Portland for the weekend so I figured that the next time I would hear from him it would be sometime in the middle of the week. But anyways in the email he mentioned that he ate all of the left-overs because when he got home he ate some and that he took the rest for lunch that day.....I know it may seem silly but I was very relieved that he liked my cooking! Plus it made me feel good that he took the time to let me know that.

Ok enough acting the a teenage girl with a crush.....Other then that I had a quite 2 days off....Friday night I spent sometime with a good friend of mine and had alot of fun! We just hung out and watched a movie but with her and I it’s always silly and alot of fun.

I have been thinking alot about what my purpose in this life is suppose to be. At this time in my life I really have no idea what my future plans are...I mean they have always been for me to be a better person and try and make a better life for myself...but honestly isn't that everyone’s goal? I just don’t want to be one of those people that works a dead end job all of their lives, has no one at the end of the day but their cat to come home to. It just seemed so much easier when we were kids. Our dreams, our ambitions were so big that we could hardly contain our selves. Now as an "adult" I find myself wishing that my dreams and ambitions were once again that big...because maybe then I might be able to take control of my life and go into a field in which I will be happy and benefit others as well. I am tired of the I wishes, I should of, I could have's because none of that is going to make any of what I want or think want come true! Some how, some way I have got to start moving on to something more promising because I can honestly say that I can not allow myself to become just another person that could have and should have done something with their life.

I am single once again!

I haven’t spoken to him in about a week...not due to my lack of trying! I have called and texted him...not to an extreme like most of you are all thinking but I have tried to get in contact with him. It was just really strange because things seemed to be going really good and then boom he stops talking to me. And of course I start thinking what did I do, did I come on to strong in some way and didn’t realize it? So that’s been my life for the last couples days trying to figure out what I could have done, or was I just not good enough for him type shit! And oh god do I dwell on stupid shit like that....anyways I was talking with a good guy friend of mine and I just said to him I just cant believe that I was so easily dropped! He finally laid into me and said that I am one that should be pissed off here and that I need to stop throwing this flippin pity party for myself! lol I was of course pissed off at first....but then it sunk in. He is right I am the one that should be sayin "Your freaking loss not mine!" And that I am the one that controls how I let this affect me! You bet your ass I am freaking pissed...who the hell does he think he is...I have alot to offer someone and if he cant see that or chooses not to see that’s his problem! My problem is I have horrible self esteem and I know I need to work on it...because I honestly believe that if cant take pride in yourself then how is someone else going to? I know I have a long road but baby I am going to keep on walkin and see where it takes me!

I would like to Thank my wonderful friend Jaime for pissing me off enough to help me see all of this!

Wow alot has changed since I last posted anything on mindsay.....lets see I fell head over heels in love what else was is new right? well this one actually worked out we got hitched on 11-24-07. I have a great step daughter named codi, a wonderful husband named Jered. Christmas is just around the corner and I just cant seem to find enough time to get everything done let alone enough money to do it with. lol well I suppose thats everyones problem this time of year.

anyways I just wanted to say a quick hello to everyone