Wow alot has changed since I last posted anything on mindsay.....lets see I fell head over heels in love what else was is new right? well this one actually worked out we got hitched on 11-24-07. I have a great step daughter named codi, a wonderful husband named Jered. Christmas is just around the corner and I just cant seem to find enough time to get everything done let alone enough money to do it with. lol well I suppose thats everyones problem this time of year.

anyways I just wanted to say a quick hello to everyone

I am single once again!

I haven’t spoken to him in about a week...not due to my lack of trying! I have called and texted him...not to an extreme like most of you are all thinking but I have tried to get in contact with him. It was just really strange because things seemed to be going really good and then boom he stops talking to me. And of course I start thinking what did I do, did I come on to strong in some way and didn’t realize it? So that’s been my life for the last couples days trying to figure out what I could have done, or was I just not good enough for him type shit! And oh god do I dwell on stupid shit like that....anyways I was talking with a good guy friend of mine and I just said to him I just cant believe that I was so easily dropped! He finally laid into me and said that I am one that should be pissed off here and that I need to stop throwing this flippin pity party for myself! lol I was of course pissed off at first....but then it sunk in. He is right I am the one that should be sayin "Your freaking loss not mine!" And that I am the one that controls how I let this affect me! You bet your ass I am freaking pissed...who the hell does he think he is...I have alot to offer someone and if he cant see that or chooses not to see that’s his problem! My problem is I have horrible self esteem and I know I need to work on it...because I honestly believe that if cant take pride in yourself then how is someone else going to? I know I have a long road but baby I am going to keep on walkin and see where it takes me!

I would like to Thank my wonderful friend Jaime for pissing me off enough to help me see all of this!

I have been thinking alot about what my purpose in this life is suppose to be. At this time in my life I really have no idea what my future plans are...I mean they have always been for me to be a better person and try and make a better life for myself...but honestly isn't that everyone’s goal? I just don’t want to be one of those people that works a dead end job all of their lives, has no one at the end of the day but their cat to come home to. It just seemed so much easier when we were kids. Our dreams, our ambitions were so big that we could hardly contain our selves. Now as an "adult" I find myself wishing that my dreams and ambitions were once again that big...because maybe then I might be able to take control of my life and go into a field in which I will be happy and benefit others as well. I am tired of the I wishes, I should of, I could have's because none of that is going to make any of what I want or think want come true! Some how, some way I have got to start moving on to something more promising because I can honestly say that I can not allow myself to become just another person that could have and should have done something with their life.

I just spent the last 2 days off and I really didn’t do much of anything....it was great! Thursday night I made dinner and Ty came over and we ate and talked and over all just had a good night hanging out with each other. He really liked what I made, which was good because I was very nervous that it wasn't going to turn out. Although I have made that dish like a zillion times I was still afraid something was going to go wrong and that he would either hate it or by some strange reason it would make him sick....I know that last is an extreme but that was one of my fears. I made Green chili chicken enchiladas, spanish rice and I went and got chips and salsa from a local mexican place....I didn't make the salsa due to me not having a blender right now. But all and all the meal was a hit! I knew that he wasn't going to be home for the weekend but I know that he has a roommate so I asked if he might want to take some home for him to eat....he said that he would love that so I made up a big thing of food so that he could take it home to his roommate. Well after all that was done things moved into snuggling, a few kisses....ok alot of kisses but it was just nice being able to spend sometime getting to know one another better. I really like the fact that he and I can sit and talk/joke around and me still sit back and go Wow, this guy is alot of fun and intelligent....lol I have to admit that its been really hard for me to find a guy that has all the qualities such as Smart, Good conversation skills, Funny, Good looking, Laid back, Strong drive. Oh and did I mention Good looking? lol I know I am silly but god he has this smile and eyes that just make me blush when I think about him. No but really that aside he really has alot that I would like to have in a guy. I like the fact that we can talk about serious issues but then can be silly and joke around. Ok ok I know I am in that puppy love faze but what the hell right? When he was leaving I had completely forgotten all about making up a to-go thing for his roommate so he reminded me and it really tickled me that he really wanted those left-overs. I got an email from him the next day which I totally wasn't expecting because he worked and when he got off work was heading right out for Portland for the weekend so I figured that the next time I would hear from him it would be sometime in the middle of the week. But anyways in the email he mentioned that he ate all of the left-overs because when he got home he ate some and that he took the rest for lunch that day.....I know it may seem silly but I was very relieved that he liked my cooking! Plus it made me feel good that he took the time to let me know that.

Ok enough acting the a teenage girl with a crush.....Other then that I had a quite 2 days off....Friday night I spent sometime with a good friend of mine and had alot of fun! We just hung out and watched a movie but with her and I it’s always silly and alot of fun.

I just wish I knew why there must always be something wrong going on in my life? I would understand if I was one of those people that truly craved drama....but I really have to say I am not one of them. I know that I can be a bit of a drama queen at times due to the fact I always over think things and always think of the worst that could happen. But Damn cant a girl just get a break....I have some how have done something to make this possible...I mean really why else would there always be some kind of trauma going on?

I know that I have a knack for putting myself in some really stupid positions, and that I tend to think the best of people or at least hope for the best! Alas...that is one big problem I hold. I fear that I will become bitter over time.

I am very angry tonight...

Well I got up early Thursday...so that I could clean my place and get it all nice so that I could Invite Ty over for a night of movies, pizza and snuggling! Well I guess I didn’t give the invite early enough as I was told by him! Because he had already made dinner plans with a "friend". Fuck I am being childish about this! I know I called him when I knew he had been off work for 30 min but I guess I just had really been looking forward to spending a little time with him. We made plans for Saturday so that he could teach me about making beer.

Come Friday a bunch of girls got together and we all decided that we needed a girls night out...well being that I have lost 65 pounds and just happened to have a new outfit I was kinda looking forward to it! Although I was suppose to be the designated driver I ended up being the drunkest person of all! Being the dd normally us girls get to drink one or two drinks early in the evening so that way by the time its 2am (bars are closing) the dd will be clear to drive! I know it’s not a very good way of doing things but....that’s how it’s done in our book. Anyways the reason that I couldn’t be the dd was because I was toasted after my two drinks...lol

I really hadn’t been think(which seems to happen alot) but I hadn’t had anything to eat since early that morning.(a bagel) and with the fact that I am sooooo not use to drinking since I have lost all this weight!( I'm a freaking light weight!!!) Anyways after my friend Denise saw that I was gone just after the two drinks she took over being the dd for the night....of course everyone thought it was flippin funny that I couldn’t hold my alcohol anymore. The problem is that even though I knew I was getting drunk faster...I kept ordering drinks like old time! Too say the least I was very intoxicated and honestly can say that I don’t think I ever remember being that drunk before and I never, ever want to be that drunk again! At one point in the evening I thought I was going to pass out! That’s when I knew something was wrong and stopped with the shots and went to water....and got myself chips. Things got a little better after a little food in my tummy and no more alcohol. But being as I had drank alot of Liquor I was still very drunk....  I feel like I made a complete ass out of myself(which I have no doubt that I really did make an ass out of myself) I know that I am a completely happy person when I am drunk and am never mean so that I don’t have to worry about. It’s that I have to be careful that I am not overly friendly with people...and honest I am not one of those girls that pick up on attached men! But since I was overly friendly and just wanting someone to talk with....I think I might have made some girls very mad! Then there are the problems you get when the guy is thinkin "Ha! She is drunk and showing that she is interested I am going to take full advantage" or maybe it’s not like that at all but anyways I had to be saved as well! So the night comes and goes and we go our own ways except for myself and couple people that came in my car which Denise is driving because she is the dd now right! Well we don’t get 50 freaking feet and what do ya know we see pretty red and blue light!!! All I can think is oh shit we are fucked! Denise was the dd but she had a few more then the two drink minimum (I think she had 4 drinks through out the night) and I knew that if she had to blow, that she would not pass! So I decide that I am going to play the drunken friend and really ham it up...trust me it wasn’t much of a challenge for me still at this point! With me being a complete drunk and with the other girls being drunk as well Denise looked like a freaking saint!! She handled her self soooo well I have to say I love my girl she always is there to step if it’s needed and that night I thank god she was there for me!

But anyways Denise and I go and drop off the rest of the girls, Denise then says ok we have to get you something to eat because you are still way to drunk! We went to Shari's had a great time her and I...her laughing at me....having a heart to heart about something’s.....her laughing at me some more! lol it was a good time! By the time I got home it was 3:30am and I had to call a friend of mine to let him know that I got home safely...there again thank god there are people that care for my safety! But he and I ended up talkin on the phone till about 5am and only got off the phone because I was falling asleep on the phone. Was up at 7:30 because I was feeling sick (gee I wonder why?) crawled back in bed about 8 and when I say crawl I mean crawl! I hurt, I felt sick, and I hurt some more... that’s when I made the decision that I will not be drinking for a while...I mean I will have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer but it will not be out with the girls..or anywhere for that matter! Of course I knew that I was hung over and that to help with being hung over I normally drink a beer...I know it sounds awful but that just the way it is....and there is an actual reason why people drink a beer or drink a little when there hungover to feel better! I went to a lecture with my mother on addictions...got to love it when your mother is a social worker....anyways the reason your body feels better when you drink a little when you are hungover is because you are going through a withdrawal process....its not say you are addicted to alcohol its just saying that you have consumed a good amount and that your body is not liking that its not staying at its fixed rate (god I hope this make sense!) Anyhow I got up at about 9 because all I was doing was laying there being a lump. I talked to Ty to figure out what time we were going to get together...we figured about 2ish sounded good. Went to watch a movie in my living room when the power goes out! So I decide to take a shower and get ready for the day and that I could go over to my parents for a little while...plus I needed power so I could do my hair! Well the day moves on and it’s about 2:15ish when I get over to Ty's place where he showed me the process of making beer! It was really very fun, and I guess the rule is when you are making beer you need to drink it as well! But hey by this point I was almost dying I looked really pale when I got there he just laughed at me because he knew I had one hell of a night of drinking! But the beer did me good, it was amazing how much better I felt after drinking it. I had to work so I didn’t stay very late I was at my house with only a few minutes to get ready for work though...I leave Walla by 9pm and got to my place at 8:30pm....so I didn’t have alot of time to get my shit together...but I did it! It was worth spending that after noon/evening with him...it was good times and I think he feels the same so it’s all good!! Although I have to admit the fact that I only slept for a couple hours made me have one hell of a night Saturday! I almost didn’t think I would make it to work....my eyes were blurry and I was so overly tired I just wasn’t functioning well. Oh well I made it and that’s all that matters....I look back over these last couple days and think holy crap!

I think the extreme reality of being hung over....lack of sleep.... really came crashing into me last night! I now understand that I need to slow down on the drinking....I need to start sleeping better....I need to start taking better care of me! Because other wise something bad is going to happen!

Well that’s all folks lol, that was my two days off in a nutshell and maybe I this little reality check will help me get my shit together!!!

I didnt sleep a lot today but what little sleep I did get made me feel better. Well atleast for right now...I might be singing a different tune come 5am when its almost time to go home. And I have found the culprit that gave me such a nasty cold. He and I were talking tonight when he asked "why do you sound funny?" When I said I was sick with a cold he kindly said he was sorry and when I said "You do not need to be sorry, You didnt give it to me!" He then tells me he did and that he had the start of it when were last together.  What a wennie huh? LoL oh well I suppose I could have gotten sick without such a good story to go along with how I got sick in the first place!

Anyways He and I talked got somethings out in the open for both of us. Things will be just taken a step back and I am surprised that I am ok with it...I thought for sure I was dead set on all or nothing but honestly I really think the all scares me. So for the time being we are taking it slow and steady.

Ok so I know I said I was thinking of taking a break from anything that had to do with a computer....but I started thinking that I could and should keep up with my journal! Although I have decided to make this and my email the only type of internet use. I know this sounds really stupid and it sounds as if I am addicted to the internet...I assure you thats not it all why I am doing this. I am just trying to keep myself from being sucked into messes that I always seem to get myself into. And of course as we all now that I take things really hard and tend to make my own mini drama...lol 

So anyways....I am sick and it bites ass! All I want to do is sleep and sleep and of course I cant do that. So I look like the walking dead well I guess it could be worse....I could be the walking dead  Ok I am just being silly now! But I want to thank my mindsay friends that showed they cared by contacting me and letting me know that they would miss me if I was leave.

Ok I gotta get going These Doctors orders will not write Themselves!